I am writing this column on the eleventh anniversary of my mother’s death. This is highly appropriate as her death is one of the events that spurred me into starting my exploration of the paranormal, especially the research of evidence into life after death.

By Rebecca Nidey
Everything I Need To Know I Learned In A Haunted House

It seems as if the majority of those I know who are in this field have had the same reaction to the passing of someone important to them… the need to find if some trace of people linger after their bodies die.  It is a very personal quest for everyone and it does not have to be an official or technical search.

One of my rituals on the anniversary of my mother’s death (and all others that I love) is to sift through the scrapbook I keep tucked in my heart that holds memories of her life.  I listen to music that has meaning and comforts me.  One of the songs that always does that for me is a beautiful and touching song called “How Can I Help You Say Goodbye” by Karen Taylor-Good and Burton Collins.  It has been covered by many artists but my favorite version is by Patty Loveless.  Her voice expresses exactly the pain and loss a “goodbye” makes us feel.

The song centers on a mother giving her daughter advice on how to say goodbye.  People leave our lives in many ways.  Some are as a result of a move from one location to another.  The breakup of a love affair or marriage is a death in some ways and means a goodbye to a way of life.  The one that seems the most permanent is the loss that we feel as someone of importance in our life leaves the physical world.

The gist of the advice the mother gives is that even though life is all about change and nothing stays the same; time eases all pain.  She says it is OK to hurt and to cry as you learn to say goodbye.  The last verse of the song has always had the most meaning to me as this wise mother is saying goodbye to those she loves.  Always the loving and concerned Mama, she wants those she loves to know that all will be fine even as they feel that nothing will ever make them smile again.  Even as she is leaving she provides comfort for their hurting hearts and spirits.

Another way I honor the life and death of my mother is to visit her grave.  Even though I feel that it is not necessary to do so to connect with her love, it is still a comfort. Looking through pictures from the past, using some of the possessions she passed down to me, looking at her favorite flowers (roses), and many other acts are all ways to link to her memory.  However, the most loving deed I can perform is to actually visit her “final home.”  Please do not think that this is the only way to pay homage to those we have “lost.”  This is only my favorite and most comforting way to do so.  Each of us must develop our own ways to cope with these landmarks of our lives.

When you physically visit the final resting places of those you care about, you are generally in close proximity to the burial plots of others you have loved and lost. In a way, it is a family reunion.  Because so many clusters of graves hold those who are linked by the ties of blood and caring, they are like family trees made of stone.  You are surrounded by the memories and love that they generated.  Instead of thinking of cemeteries as sad and lonely places, maybe we should think of them as healing places dedicated to the lives of those we have loved rather to than their deaths.  As long as someone is honored through our memories they are never really dead.

I think that is the reason I have always loved cemeteries.  They hold the hopes, dreams, memories and history of many.  As a human being, I respect those places of peace and rest.  As a paranormal investigator, I like to teach that also.

The graveyards we visit may not always hold the remains of those we have known in life but they are the “homes” of others who are someone’s mother or father, daughter or son, grandmother or grandfather, grandchild or cousin, or just family of the heart.  As such, we should have a certain code of conduct when visiting any place of final rest.

To honor my family and all others who now reside in burial grounds I would like to share some cemetery etiquette.

Please consider these hints as you visit any grave:

• Leave kind and gentle footprints. Taking photos is not disrespectful, taking anything else is! Memorials and items of remembrance belong to others. Theft is unkind, discourteous and illegal.
• Leave any place you visit in better shape than when you arrived. If you are able, pick up trash that may have blown into the area. If artifacts have fallen over or been moved, move them to the area they were originally placed if you know where that is. Otherwise, allow the people who placed them there to restore them to their proper place. Do not attempt to move large tree limbs, etc. as there is a chance of damage and injury to both the area and yourself. Do not leave litter, especially cigarette butts.
• Do not bring alcohol, drugs, entertainment devices or weapons into the area.
• If bringing pets into the cemetery, keep them under control and clean up after them.
• Children should be allowed to visit graves with you in order to allow them to grieve and show honor, but they should be supervised.
• The plants (live or artificial), trees and any wildlife inhabiting the cemetery should not be disturbed.
• Vehicles should be parked on the road or in the designated parking areas. Do not leave them running because the exhaust can damage fragile stones and sculptures in the cemetery. This is true for cigarette smoke also.
• Do not attempt to repair or replace stones to their original areas. Most are extremely heavy and/or fragile and only those trained in the proper procedures should do so.
• If there are footpaths or walkways in the cemetery, please use them. If not, be aware of the condition of the area so as not to cause damage as you walk.
• Obey any posted times (most cemeteries have dusk to dawn curfews). Many older cemeteries are on private property. Always get permission to enter those areas.
• If you happen upon suspicious activities or vandalism, report it to the local authorities. Some cemeteries have a listing of the caretakers posted on site who may also be contacted.
• Most important is to treat all cemeteries and the dead who reside there with the utmost respect. Would you enter the home of someone and be disrespectful? It shouldn’t be any different just because they are dead!

Today I intend to continue on my walk down memory lane and maybe shed a few tears. No matter what else I do today, I am going to mix it with smiles and laughter as I relive happy times with my mother. Life is full of unexpected twists and turns and people come and go without warning sometimes.  I plan on reminding those I care of how much they mean to me and I hope you do the same.

Happy Birthday into spirit, mom. I love you!

About the Author:

Through her work on the investigative team for the Crawford County Illinois Ghost Hunters, Rebecca Nidey has an understanding of the paranormal, spiritual, and metaphysical worlds and how they work together.

Rebecca has trained in the Healing Touch technique (a form of energy healing). She is a certified Psychic Medium trained by Belle Salisbury, and she is a certified Paranormal Researcher.

Rebecca is the associate editor for Bellesprit Magazine and also writes a column titled Everything I Need To Know I Learned In A Haunted House. She has been a co-host of several radio programs for the Haunted Voices Radio Network and HeyZ Radio Network highlighting the Paranormal, metaphysical and literary fields.

To learn more about Rebecca or to schedule a reading you can contact her at https://www.facebook.com/rebecca.nidey.